NOTE: I DID NOT WRITE THESE. I claim absolutely no credit for them whatsoever.
I'm merely putting them up here because I can no longer find them anywhere else online.
This page was originally posted as: http://www.mancer.net/etc/How/anime.html
You can find the rest of my website here.
TECHNOMANCY'S THREE SECOND ANIME AND MANGA SUMMARIES
We Watch Anime So You Don't Have To
In the order in which we thought of them.
Relena:
War is bad.Dorothy:
War is good.Heero:
War is all I understand.Treize:
War is... oh, hell, I need more wine.(he dies.)
THE END
Kenshin:
I used to kill people, but now I'm good.Shishio:
BLAARGH!(95 episodes later:)
THE END
Shuuichi:
I love you, Yuki!Yuki:
Shut up.THE END
(Lain stares at telephone wires.)
The Internet:
BLAARGH!THE END
Aya:
I'm a dick, because my sister's asleep.Youji:
Let's have sex! No, wait. AAASUKAAAA!(Omi cries.)
Ken:
I play soccer!Schwartz:
Screw you all, we're having an orgy over here.(fangirls poing.)
THE END
Seishirou:
Tokyo sucks.(Subaru has his faith in humanity shattered and becomes a brittle hollow shell of a man.)
THE END
The Apocalypse:
BLAARGH!(Kamui cries.)
THE END
GAINAX:
BLAARGH!(Shinji cries.)
THE END
GAINAX:
And in case you missed it the first time, BLAARGH!Asuka:
I feel sick.THE END
Utena:
I want to be a prince.Anthy:
I want to be a princess. Or I would, if I had emotions.Duellists:
Let's fight.Akio:
Let's have sex.Utena:
...(Utena wins.)
Director:
Look! See, it's a metaphor! SEE?!THE END
Mangaka:
I've read the Bible. No, really. I swear.Katan:
TENTACLE TENTACLE TENTACLE.Technomancy:
We haven't read the whole thing. Would you? It's twenty books.THE END
Reality:
BLAARGH!Mina:
I have boobs!THE END
Cast:
God, this all seems so familiar.Rin:
If I don't have Tokyo Tower, I'm going to die!Audience:
Yeah, kid, get in line.THE END
Akane:
I don't want Ranma!Ukyo:
I'll take him!Shampoo:
Shampoo take him!Kodachi:
Ranma-sama is mine, o ho ho ho!(Genma holds up a sign: Has anyone seen my breakfast?)
Ryoga:
I didn't know the Statue of Liberty was in Osaka.Ranma:
Does this bathing suit make me look fat?THE END
Crew of Bebop:
I'm hungry.Spike:
(Backstory-related spoilers).Audience:
Hey, pretty music.THE END
Vash:
I'm a dork. Wait, no, I'm not.(The series cops out.)
Manga:
I kick your ass, series.Wolfwood:
Boy, howdy.THE END
Kusanagi:
I fight naked!Torso:
BLAARGH!THE END
D:
My best friend is, in fact, my hand.D's Hand:
You suck, D.THE END
Kimba:
I'm cute.Disney:
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.THE END
GAINAX:
I repeat, BLAAAAAAAAAARGH!Audience:
... !!W2:
THAT KICKED ASS.THE END
Movie:
Buttsex! Or not.(Everyone dies.)
THE END
Audience:
... Some places should not have teeth.THE END
Series:
Suck suck suck.THE END
With special guest smartass: Suze!
Kirika:
Angst!Mireille:
Guns!Chloe:
Lesbians!Altena:
Psuedo-Templar Bullshit!Soldats:
BLAARGH!THE END
Miaka:
I'm the obvious shoujo self-insert who eats like a pig and has no manners and yet is still somehow magically the love interest of every male in the cast! Even the gay ones!Nuriko:
I'm the gay one.Suzaka Shichiseishi:
We're seven good-looking men, and we're here to protect /you/!Nakago:
Screw you all, I'm going to kiss Tamahome.(He does. Yui pouts).
THE END
Sae:
I'm the not-so-obvious shoujo self-insert who has a fuzzy teddy bear!Jeff-kun:
...Takeo:
I should tell her about my feelings. Or I could just imagine her in panties.Jeff-kun:
...Aburatsubo:
I'm voithed by Koyathu Takehi~to. No, really.Jeff-kun:
... BLAARGH!THE END
Sanzo:
I'm a priest.Story:
Behold the power of a thinly disguised Chinese legend!Audience:
....Didn't we see this in Dragonball?Hakkai:
Shhh.Audience:
The woman who wrote this was a yaoi doujinshika, wasn't she?Mangaka:
Hush. Now for more pretty boys with homoerotic cigarettes.THE END
Sakura:
I'm so cute!Tomoyo:
Gosh, this is just like a shoujo manga! Can I make all your costumes?Kero-chan:
Being the three-headed hound of hell really sucks balls.Yue and Touya:
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!Audience:
And this is for small children?Sakura:
Just watch the pretty flower petals.THE END
Kimera:
...Audience:
...Dude looks like a lady.Series:
That is a lady.Audience:
Woah.(Kimera proceeds to have sex, a la /Species/. Cathedrals blow up. There are flashbacks.)
THE END
Pantsless Boy:
That's not my name!Audience:
Who remembers your real name? You're not wearing any pants!(Pantsless Boy cries.)
Native Americans:
Believe it or not, we speak Japanese! Welcome to our family, Pantsless Boy!Pantsless Boy:
And now I will avenge something! Or do something noble! Or maybe buy pants!Audience:
zzzzzzzzzzzz.THE END
Gally/Alita:
Although I am a cyborg with a tragic past, I can't remember it, so I'm going to be cute and happy! And make friends! And find a boyfriend! My life is so happy now!Dr. Desty Nova:
I'm coming to make your life suck.Kaos:
Duuuuuude. It's, like, so groooooovy.Ido:
I'm sorry, who are you again? You look familiar, and yet I know I've never seen you before, because I'm just a simple man who's been here all my life.Dr. Desty Nova:
Look at me! I have a microchip for a brain!Gally/Alita:
I could have told you that.(A tree grows.)
THE END
Carrot:
We hunt sorcerers!Chocolate and Tira Misu:
We wear very little clothing!Marron:
I hate it when my brother turns into a horny beast.Gateau:
Did someone say horny?Onion:
Who ever heard of a villain named Onion?Chocolate and Tira Misu:
Did we mention we wear very little clothing?Audience:
Why don't you mention it again?THE END
Series:
cute cute cute cute cute cute cute cute cuteAudience:
We get the point already.Series:
cute cute cute cute HOLY SHIT IT'S A PLOT!Audience:
Far out.Nokoru:
Where's my special person?(Suoh hides.)
THE END
Yukina:
Akito doesn't love me!Akito:
I don't love you.Yukina:
See?Gekiganger:
Let's go passion!Ruri:
Baka.THE END
Lina and Gourry:
We're hungry!(They eat.)
Lina and Gourry:
There's treasure!(Shit blows up.)
Lina and Gourry:
We're hungry again!(Zelgadis mopes.)
THE END
Minmei:
Let me sing for universal happiness!Audience:
Bimbo.THE END
Hitomi:
I have tarot cards!Van:
I have wings!Allen:
I have hair!Fate:
BLAARGH!THE END
Keitarou:
It sure would be great if I could go to Toudai. Hey, look, boobs!THE END
Recca:
I'm a ninja!Fuuko:
I have boobs!Domon:
I'm big!Mikagami:
I'm surly!Fuzzy Thing:
BLAARGH ya!(twenty episodes of tournaments ensue)
Audience:
...THE END
Izumi:
I play soccer and angst!Kouji:
I sing and angst!(homosexuality ensues.)
THE END
Izumi:
I continue to play soccer and angst! I'll be back in a week, Kouji.
Kouji:
BLAAAAARGH!Izumi:
Wow, overreact much? I think I'll angst.Kouji:
... ... ... ...Izumi:
I love you, too.(homosexuality ensues.)
THE END
Ryouhei:
boobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsboobsAudience:
YAY!THE END
KIZUNA
Audience:
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzTHE END
SAILOR MOON
Sailor Moon:
I have magical powers and a tiny sailor outfit!Sailor Scouts:
We're her hordes of overly voluptuous teenage female friends!Hentai Artists of the World:
Heh heh heh.THE END
DRAGONBALL Z
Vegeta:
BLAARGH!(twenty-episode-long battles ensue)
Preadolescent Boys:
d00d, t|-|1s r0xx0rz!THE END
POKEMON
Pikachu:
Pikachu! Pikachu!Jigglypuff:
Jigglypuff! Jigglypuff!Charmander:
Charmander! Charmander!James:
Wanna feel my Pokeballs?Ash:
....No.THE END
STRINGS OF FATE
Mao:
Kill!Kuang Hu:
Sulk.Tony:
Oro?Meishuu:
Heh heh.Technomancy:
......SWEET!THE END
AKIRA
Kaneda:
TETSUOOOOO!!!Tetsuo:
KANEDAAAAA!!!Creepy Dolls:
BLAAAAARGH!Tokyo:
Not again....THE END
DIGI CHARAT
Dijiko:
Nya!Puchiko:
Nyo!Gema:
Gemagema!Gamers:
BUY OUR STUFF.THE END
KODOMO NO OMOCHA
Sana:
EEEEEEEEEEEEE*thunk*EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*crash*EEEEEEEEEE!Audience:
.....My head hurts.THE END
EARTHIAN
Chihaya:
*flap*Kagetsuya:
*flap*Chihaya:
Humans are great!Kagetsuya:
Humans suck.Audience:
So where's the sex?THE END
FAKE
Dee:
I'm an openly gay New York City cop!Ryo:
Somehow, no one thinks anything strange of this.(homosexuality ensues.)
THE END
GESTALT
Ohri:
If you think I'm sexy now, just wait until ... wait, the OAV didn't have time for that.Oliver:
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned....Ohri:
BOOOOOOBIES!Oliver:
...far out.THE END